Yesterday I saw a little girl sleeping on her father’s lap. She looked so at peace without a single worry in the world. Her father guarded her from falling and repositioned her when she was uncomfortable. There came a time when she was hungry, upon request he carried her, bought something for her and brought her back. This baby ate to her fill without a thought on the source of provision.
After eating she started running around but the father’s gaze would remain on her to ensure she does not hurt herself or run too far away. While I watched this intimate exchange, I noted that he was a good father. Then I remembered how you are also a good father and how you admonished us to be like little children. I saw an example of what you wanted from me but I find it so hard to do. You see, I worry.
Unlike this child I cannot sit still without the worry of falling. I have perfected my independence game as a façade to the uncertainties raging inside of me. I know you exist but I struggle to believe, I have been hurt many times and have lost my trust. It is unfortunate that I find it hard to trust even you at times.
I thought that if I did not sharpen my hustle that I will go hungry and since the world is such a fast place, I did not have the luxury to waste time by sitting and seeking your face. Somewhere inside of me, I fear I would be stuck without having a plan B, C and D but guess what? I have all these plans and still feel stuck. I must confess that I do not have it as figured out as I portray.
The stillness of that girl is what I need but seldom can I stay put. For me, to be still is to admit I do not know where I am going or what I am doing. It is to accept my inabilities and fight my demons. Stillness reminds me of the emotions I bury especially the anger I conceal. So, I move around in circles and it looks like I am going somewhere while I am stagnant.
Today I write as a cry for help. I write as a confession of my vulnerability and inability to get things done on my own. I have tried and I am tired. I am about crossing uncertain waters and I am asking for the stillness required to walk on water.
I am very much like Peter when it comes to distrust and realism, as I cannot shake off the feel of cold water or the unstable grounds beneath my feet. But also like him, I am drowning and stretching my hands out to you for help.
Thank you in anticipation
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